(You know.)
IO: Oh hey, what happened to Thor? Did he find any rocks?
No, but he’s funnier now.
IO: Oh. Ok.
THOR: Loki, stop being Odin. It’s not funny anymore.
LOKI: What? How’d you know I was Odin.
THOR: You were watching a play glorifying yourself while lying on your side eating grapes as beautiful women surrounded you.
LOKI: Oh.
THOR: Where’s the real Odin?
LOKI: Retirement home.
THOR: Let’s go to the retirement home.
STRANGE: Hold it!
said Doctor Strange, being very strange.
STRANGE: You guys are weird, and I want you to leave. If I tell you where Odin is, will you leave?
THOR: Yes.
STRANGE: Great. He’s sitting on a cliff.
THOR: Thanks.
said Thor, going to the cliff.
ODIN: I’m going to die now, but I love you guys. Unfortunately, I have a daughter, and she’s going to appear as soon as I die. Hope you guys are ready.
LOKI: Can’t you just… not die?
ODIN: Sorry, no can do.
said Odin, fading into beautiful golden dust.
HELA: Hey!
said Hela.
HELA: I’m the rightful ruler of Asgard! And I’m going to prove it by breaking Mjölnir!
THOR: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
said Thor, watching his only son vanish before his eyes.
HEIMDALL: Ooh, that doesn’t look good. I’d better evacuate everyone.
said Heimdall, who sees a lot of things.
HELA: Hey brothers, is it okay if I push you out of the Bifrost? It is? Thanks.
said Hela, pushing Thor and Loki out of the Bifrost and into
CHORUS: Sakaar!
Oh hey, Hulk’s there too!
THOR: Oh, hi Hulk!
HULK: GRAHHHH!
said Hulk, repeating his iconic MCU catchphrase: “GRAHHHH!” and flailing Thor around like a ragdoll.
LOKI: YES! YES, THAT’S HOW IT FEELS!
said Loki.
GRANDMASTER: I love watching people fight. Unless they’re trying to fight me, but that’ll never happen.
THOR: Hey Grandmaster! Loki and Valkyrie and Hulk and I are going to fight you!!
GRANDMASTER: Oh shoot!
THOR: Also, happy birthday!
GRANDMASTER: It’s not my birthday!
GRANDMASTER’S SHIP: It’s my birthday!
said the Grandmaster’s ship, flying into the Devil’s Anus.
DEVIL: Ow.
said the Devil, who’s named Mephisto and isn’t in WandaVision.
LOKI: HAHA! I betrayed you, Thor! How unpredictable!
THOR: Loki, I just handcuffed you to the ground.
LOKI: So you did.
KORG: Hey, want to get onto our ship?
said Korg.
LOKI: Sure! This’ll give me the perfect chance to betray Thor AGAIN!
KORG: Cool.
HELA: I’m the queen of Asgard! And as my first decree, I’ve decided that Asgard sucks! And you all suck! So I’m going to kill everyone on this stupid slab of rock, capeesh?
EXECUTIONER: Capeesh.
said the Executioner, Hela’s new executioner.
HEIMDALL: Heck no.
said Heimdall, leading the resistance and somehow looking even cooler than he did in the first two movies.
THOR: Not on our watch!
said Thor, helping Korg evacuate everyone from Asgard in an even cooler way.
THOR: Loki, go take that skull dealie and put it in the flame dealie.
LOKI: Okie dokie.
said Loki.
HELA: You can’t stop me.
THOR: I know. But he can.
said Thor, watching Fire Man burst out of the palace of Asgard.
SURTUR: DEATH TO ASGARD!
CHORUS: Ragnarok!
Thor saved Asgard by destroying Asgard!
THOR: Asgard isn’t a place, though. It’s a people.
THANOS: Not for long.
said Thanos, holding the Power Stone.
INFINITY GAUNTLET TRACKER: One out of six!
CHORUS: The Infinity War!
I’ll just take a quick breather, and then we’ll be back to Asgard. HOLD ON WAIT! First, we have to check in on Ant-Man.
IO: Why?
Important reasons. Okay, so they fight a ghost, and then Janet leaves the quantum realm. Okay, now back to Asgard.
THANOS: Where’s the Tesseract?
THOR: It exploded.
LOKI: …No, it didn’t explode.
THOR: Loki! Why?
LOKI: Well, I was about to break my streak of stealing the Tesseract every other movie I’m in, and—
said Loki, getting choked by Thanos and dying for real this time.
[NOT PUNK’D]
HEIMDALL: Hulk, go to earth. Warn them. They have, like, two Infinity Stones down there. I don’t know why.
HULK: GRAHHHHH OKAYYYYYY
said Hulk, being blasted down to earth on a beautiful rainbow.
THANOS: Goodbye, Asgard.
said Thanos, blowing up Asgard once and for all but getting the Tessaract.
INFINITY GAUNTLET TRACKER: Two out of six!
HULK: Thanos… is coming…
said Hulk, landing smack dab in the middle of the New York Sanctum Sanctorum.
STRANGE: Who?
said Doctor Strange, now knowing who Thanos was.
You know what, let’s split the characters up into teams. Here’s Team 1: Tony, Stephan, and Spider-Peter.
TONY: Wow, I love my suburban lifestyle.
PEPPER: Tony, why do you still have that chest thing? You don’t even need it anymore.
TONY: Well, what if something comes flying out of the sky and hits me directly in the center of the chest?
PEPPER: The chances of that are
TONY: Oh look, a giant space donut. Better go check that out.
PEPPER: DON’T THINK WE AREN’T GOING TO TALK ABOUT THIS LATER!
TONY: Can’t hear you, the donut is too loud!
EBONY: Rejoice.
said Squidward.
TONY: Oh, hey Bruce.
HULK: Oh, hey Tony.
said Tony and Bruce.
HULK: We have to call the Avengers.
TONY: Well… we kinda broke up.
HULK: you WHAT!?
said Bruce, getting hit by a large chain.
SPIDEY: My spider-sense is tingling!
said Spider-Peter, jumping out of a bus and swinging towards the donut.
STRANGE: They want my necklace. Well they can’t have it.
EBONY: What if I just killed you?
STRANGE: Then it’d be even harder to steal my jewelry.
EBONY: Fine. I’ll just torture you, then.
said Squidward, beaming himself up.
SPIDEY: Wow, the air in space is really thin.
TONY: Peter, stop gasping and take this new suit.
SPIDEY: Hey, thanks!
said Spider Peter, hurtling towards the ground with a parachute.
SPIDEY: Sike! I’m still on the donut!
TONY: Oh, you’re kidding me.
SPIDEY: Now let’s use pop culture to save that wizard.
EBONY: No! My one fatal flaw! Never watching Aliens!
said Squidward, freezing in space.
STRANGE: Thanks. Now let’s head back to earth.
TONY: No.
STRANGE: Tony, let’s head back to earth.
TONY: I don’t wanna.
STRANGE: Tony…
TONY: But I just got this shiny new Mark 85 armor and I want to test it out against Thanooooos!
STRANGE: Fine. Let’s go to Titan.
SPIDEY: Hi, I’m Peter.
said Spidey.
Meanwhile, in S P A C E! (Team 2: Guardians of the Galaxy)
PETER: Hi, I’m Peter.
said Peter Quill, being the only Peter.
PETER: And we’re responding to a distress signal! Hope it isn’t anything grim like corpses floating around in space!
THOR: Hello.
PETER: That just ruined my entire day.
THOR: I miss my hammer, so I want a new one. Let’s go to Nidavellir.
ROCKET: We’re going to Nidavellir?
THOR: We’re going to Nidavellir.
ROCKET: We’re going to Nidavellir!
said Thor and Rocket, going to Nidavellir.
(Team 3: Thor, Rocket, and Groot)
EITRI: I’m sorry, Nidavellir is closed because everyone else died.
THOR: Darn. Hey, do you have any axes?
EITRI: We can make one, I guess.
THOR: Great.
EITRI: You’re going to have to reignite a star though.
THOR: No problem.
said Thor, reigniting a star.
EITRI: Oh darn, the lens is cracked. Thor, go open it.
THOR: AUHAWEFIOVFDVEDJVIWEOHGNW
EITRI: Yeahhh, just like that.
THOR: AAAWREIDKCJARNJVHDIKAVGNHDVO
GROOT: I am Groot.
said Groot, chopping off his arm and then going right back to playing video games.
THOR: I HAVE AN AXE!
Now back to Team 2! Wow, I wonder what wacky hijinks they’re getting up to!
THANOS: Reality can be whatever I want it to be.
INFINITY GAUNTLET TRACKER: Three out of six!
GAMORA: Peter, I want you to kill me.
PETER: I won’t do it, Gamora.
THANOS: Do it.
PETER: Fine. What… bubbles?
THANOS: Farewell.
WOW! SOOOOOO WACKYYYYYY!
GAMORA: I’ll never tell you where the soul stone is.
THANOS: What if I tortured Nebula?
GAMORA: It’s on Morag.
THANOS: Good.
RED SKULL: Hold it.
said Explody Face, whose face exploded so much he went to another planet.
RED SKULL: You must first lose that which you love.
THANOS: Then it’s a good thing I love my daughter!
GAMORA: Daaaaad! That’s so corny!
said Gamora, falling off a cliff and dying forever.
INFINITY GAUNTLET TRACKER: Four out of six!
Now let’s check in on the Mind Stone. Love to see how that’s going.
VISION: Not well.
said Vision, dying of stab.
STEVE: At least I’m here!
said Steve, with his very manly beard.
NATASHA AND SAM: Us too!
said Natasha and Sam, only having one fourth of a beard between them.
WANDA: Oh… yay…
said Wanda, who was American now despite being in Not-America.
(Team 4: Wanda, Vision, Steve, Sam, Natasha)
STEVE: Now let’s go to Wakanda!
Bucky has joined the party!
BUCKY: Heyyyy guys, I’m not mind controlled anymore!
STEVE: Yesssssss!
T’CHALLA: Alright, now how many aliens are we fighting?
STEVE: Lots.
T’CHALLA: Wakanda Forever.
said T’Challa, watching Chitauri speed through the border.
HULK: I LOVE THE HULKBUSTER ARMOR!
said Bruce, falling on his face.
SHURI: We can take the mind stone out of Vision’s head, and then Wanda can destroy it, capeesh?
WANDA: Capeesh.
said Wanda.
(Team 4 Update: Wanda, Vision, Steve, Sam, Natasha, Shuri, Bruce, Okoye, Bucky, Rhodey, T’Challa, M’Baku, and Oscar the Grouch)
IO: Wait, who are they fighting?
(Team 4’s Enemies: Spear Tiefling, Lizard Hulk, Guy Whose Face Can Only Be Described Using The Word “Gromlin”, and ten warships of disposable bloodthirsty hordes)
IO: Oh. Okay.
Back to Teams 1 and 2! They had a bit of a misunderstanding but they worked things out! Now they want to kill Thanos, but more importantly, figure out where Missouri is. Also Nebula is there.
STRANGE: Wow, I just watched Avengers: Endgame fourteen billion times. I won’t spoil it for you guys, though.
TONY: Just a little spoiler? Please?
STRANGE: No.
THANOS: Give me the time stone.
STRANGE: No.
(Round 1… FIGHT!)
Strange used Mirror Dimension!
Thanos used Protect!
Thanos used Vortex!
Strange used Butterflies!
Strange called for backup!
EVERYONE ELSE SHOWED UP!
THANOS: Oh Titan
said Thanos, being overwhelmed by Teams 1 and 2.
SPIDEY: We did it!
THANOS: Wait… I killed Gamora…
PETER: YOU WHAT?
yelled Peter, punching Thanos in the face and ruining everything.
THANOS: I just stabbed Tony Stark. And I’ll keep stabbing him if you don’t give me that time stone.
STRANGE: Fine, I’ll give you the time stone.
THANOS: Thanks.
said Thanos, heading to the final stone.
INFINITY GAUNTLET TRACKER: Five out of six!
Meanwhie in Wakanda, everyone is battling!
CHORUS: The Battle of Wakanda!
Thor’s there too!
THOR: WHERE IS THANOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO (keeps holding throughout the rest of the dialogue)
IO: Is he… just going to keep holding that?
He’s fine. It’s fine. Keep going.
CORVUS: Time to stab Vision.
said Gromlin.
VISION: Time to stab you.
said Vision, stabbing Gromlin.
THANOS: Hold up, everyone. I’m here now. Lemme just take that little rock…
WANDA: Good luck, I just destroyed it.
THANOS: I think not.
said Thanos, reversing time so the mind stone came back, and then ripping it out of Vision’s head.
INFINITY GAUNTLET TRACKER: Six out of—
THOR: OOOOOOOOS!
yelled Thor, plunging his new axe into Thanos’s chest.
THANOS: Darn, that was my favorite chest. At least you didn’t get my head.
said Thanos, snapping his fingers and winning.
IO: Wait, what? He wins? No, the heroes win, right?
I’m sorry, but it turns out happiness isn’t real and neither is the Tooth Fairy.
CHORUS: Half of the everything just died!
THANOS: Now for retirement.
IO: There’s no way he just wins like that. Keep watching.
Are you sure? This is pretty depressing… there goes Bucky Barnes. And Sam Wilson. And Shuri, T’Challa, Groot, Peter Quill, Mantis, Drax, Stephan Strange, Peter Parker, May Parker, Ned Leeds, Flash Thompson, Erik Selvig, Clint Barton’s entire family, Monica Rambeau, Yelena Belova, Michelle Jones, Maria Hill, Hank Pym, Janet van Dyne, Hope van Dyne… looks like Scott is stranded in the quantum realm now, and no one knows he’s in there…
IO: Just keep… THERE! NICK FURY!
But he’s dying too.
IO: But what’s that in his hand?
Not important moving on.
IO: Are you sure? Because it seems pretty
CHORUS: Five years later!
(Endgame coming soon)
