Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D./Quote

The following are quotes from the television show Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.

Episode 1.01: Pilot
"What changed?" "Everything's changing. A little while ago, most people went to bed thinking that the crazier thing in the world was a billionaire in a flying military suit. Then aliens invaded New York and were beaten back by, among others, a giant green monster, a costumed hero from the 50's, and a god." "I don't think he's a god." "Well, you haven't been near his arms."

- Grant Ward and Maria Hill

"Agent Hill did a very detailed assessment of your last three missions. Combat, top grades. Espionage, she gave you the highest marks since Romanoff. Under people skills she drew a... I think it's a little poop with knives sticking out of it." "What?" "That's bad, right?"

- Phil Coulson and Grant Ward

"How will you come at us? From the air? From the ground? How will you silence us this time? How can you? The truth is in the wind. It's everywhere. You cannot stop the rising tide. You will not find us. You will never see our faces but rest assures—we will rise against those who shield us from the truth. And nothing--nothing can stop us in the... (Coulson and Ward break in) Hey. What up?"

- Skye

Episode 1.02: 0-8-4
"That's where the 0-8-4 was reported." "And an 0-8-4 is...?" "An object of unknown origin. Kind of like you. Team goes in, determines if it's useful or if it poses a threat. Last one turned out to be pretty interesting." "And what was the last one?" "A hammer."

- Phil Coulson and Skye

"Are you mental? I did explain what I meant using the Queen's bloody English!" "I use normal English. Words like "duck" and "run" and "might blow us to pieces"." "Oh. Oh!. Well, congratulations, Agent Ward. you managed to string three words together in a sentence."

- Leo Fitz and Grant Ward

"Oh, Phil. You're not even aware. Your renewed idealism, your collectibles, your airborne man cave, surrounding yourself with young, attractive agents—you're having a mid-life crisis." "More of an afterlife thing, really." "And I'm not even going to mention the red Corvette." "Her name is Lola." "Of course it is."

- Camilla Reyes and Phil Coulson

Episode 1.03: The Asset
"He's addicted to exploiting opportunities. He never gives a thought to the friends, ecosystems, future generations left ruined in his wake." "Like Agents Fitz and Simmons, your former students? I've got them in my ear right now, telling me you're not a bad guy. We could've worked with you on this." "SHIELD? SHIELD is just as guilty of the same thing! Experimentation without thought of consequence! Your search for an unlimited power source brought an alien invasion." "Fair point."

- Franklin Hall and Phil Coulson

"I thought she was done for, but she just sweet-talked her way into Quinn's office." "How'd she manage that?" "Pfft, she probably used her... (realizes Simmons and May are glaring at him) her... uh... boobs."

- Jemma Simmons and Leo Fitz

"S.H.I.E.L.D.'s against everything you stand for. They're big brother." "Maybe, but they're the nice big brother who stands up for his helpless little brother when he's getting beat up because he ate a piece of cake that he wasn't... you know, you kidnapped a person!"

- Ian Quinn and Skye

Episode 1.04: Eye-Spy
"You seen Skye?" "Not since weapons training." "She stop saying "bang" when she pulls the trigger?" "Mostly. Now, if she can just learn the difference between the safety release and the magazine release, we'll be making real progress."

- Phil Coulson and Grant Ward

"Bus to Short Bus" "Go for Short Bus." "Next time, I'll decide what we call ourselves, okay?"

- Melinda May, Grant Ward and Phil Coulson

"I called with an equally pressing question for you, my S.O... What are we supposed to do if we have to pee?" "You broke protocol because you needed a bathroom break." "It was a really, really long drive and everyone's nervous." "There's a container at the bottom of the blue chest." "Bottom of the blue chest." (Simmons and goes digging and pulls out an empty water bottle. She gives Skye a look) "Not the *water bottle*." "That's the one." "Did you never learn the thing where boy parts and girl parts are different, and our parts aren't penises!" "Coulson and I are trying to find a dangerous criminal, if there's nothing else pressing..." "One more thing, Fitz wants to know if you packed any snacks." "I'm feeling a bit peckish." "Ah, Hello, hello? He hung *up*!"

- Skye, Grant Ward and Leo Fitz

Episode 1.05: Girl in the Flower Dress
"Did you just give me a compliment?" "I--no, I made a comment." "A kind one. Did it physically hurt to do that? Do you need an ice pack?" (Ward smiles)" Wow! A compliment and a smile."

- Skye and Grant Ward

"Poor little Chan Ho Yin may have believed your lies, but not Scorch." "Who?" "Ah, crap. They gave him a name."

- Chan Ho Yin, Melinda May and Phil Coulson

"Go ahead, say it." "I don't do petty." " But you called it. I trusted my gut even though you said she was a risk." "When someone breaks into my house, I usually don't invite them to stay. But that's me." "That's me too. Then that alien staff when through my heart." "Sure it didn't go through the brain?" "You really don't do comforting either do you?"

- Melinda May and Phil Coulson

Episode 1.06: FZZT
"Here's the new Night-Night pistol." (Ward tries it out) "Sorry, Fitz. It's close, but it's just not right." "'Cause agent Coulson had no problems." "It's an ounce too heavy." "An ounce? Seriously?" "It's the difference between success and failure. When you're on a rooftop with a 15-mile-an-hour wind, Your target is 500 yards away..." "Yeah, but we do have a rifle." "Lose the ounce." (Ward leaves) "Yeah, okay. On it. "Lose the ounce"." (Imitating Ward) "I'm Agent Grant Ward, and I can shoot the legs off a flea from 500 yards, as long as it's not windy." (Skye laughs and Jemma Enters the Lab) "So, Ward was here? Let me guess the night-night pistol again?" "Yeah, and he said it was off by an ounce." "Of course he did. (Also imitating Ward) I'm Agent Grant Ward, and I could rupture your spleen with my left pinky... blindfolded!"

- Leo Fitz, Grant Ward, Skye and Jemma Simmons

"Phys-Ed teacher at the local high school and varsity baseball coach and troop leader and volunteer firefighter. This guy makes Captain America look like "The Dude" (blank stares) The Big Lebowski? (more blank stares) Seriously?"

- Skye

"That's the best you could come up with, you got a bad connection?" "I was pressed for time." "Bold move. You know our chat wasn't exactly private." "They never are." "I don't know what happened to you in New York, if you really flat-lined or that's just what they tell us when we reach level 7; but whatever did happen doesn't give you license to disobey a direct order from HQ. You keep pulling stunts like that, someone might decide to take this little dream team away from you." "I'd like to see them try." "That doesn't sound like the Phil Coulson I used to know." "No, I suppose it doesn't. Get used to it."

- Felix Blake and Phil Coulson

Episode 1.07: The Hub
"(after Fitz tries to eat a sandwich and Ward throws it in the river) "What the hell?" "There are dogs tracking us, and you bring a prosciutto sandwich." "I can't believe you just did that." "This is a mission, not a picnic." "Oh, I'm well aware it's not a picnic, Mr. Save the Day." "What's that supposed to mean?" "Oh, come on. You obviously get off on it; being the guy who gets to throw the last punch, who always swoops in to save the girl. And, now you've destroyed the world's most dangerous sandwich. Congratulations."

- Leo Fitz and Grant Ward

"How long can you hold your breath underwater?" "I don't know." "Are you familiar with the term slam and cram?" "No and I don't think I want to be."

- Leo Fitz and Grant Ward

"Okay, let's see. Okay, we have two guards on the west wall. Both carrying automatic weapons. (another figure appears on Fitz's screen) Correction: There are now three guards. We have three guards now. (the figures start fighting) Oh my God, oh my God... Ward, he's attacking the others! He's coming straight for us! Ward? (looks behind him, and finally realizes that Ward is gone) What?" (Ward comes out of the door) Hurry. Inside." "Ahh. That makes sense now."

- Leo Fitz and Grant Ward

Episode 1.08: The Well
"In ancient times, people believe the heavens were filled with gods and monsters and magical worlds. Then, as time passed, those beliefs faded into myth and folklore. But now we know the stories are true. Other worlds, with names like Asgard, do exist. And beings once revered as gods, like Thor, have returned, leaving us with more questions... an enormous mess to clean up."

- Jemma Simmons

"You guys may think it's old news, but it's new... news to everybody else. So, Asgardians are aliens from another planet that visited us thousands years ago?" "Or more." "And because we couldn't understand aliens, we thought they were gods?" "That's where our Norse mythology comes from." "That's too crazy. Do you think other deities are aliens, too? Vishnu for sure, right?" "You know, it'd be nice, for once, Thor and his people sent down the God of Cleaning Up After Yourself. They probably have a magic broom for this kind of thing."

- Skye and Phil Coulson

"I can't think of a single time when anything alien in human hands ended well." "Wouldn't mind getting my human hands on Thor. He's so dreamy." "Sure, he's handsome, but..." "No, he's dreamy."

- Phil Coulson, Skye and Melinda May

"Do you know Thor?" "Oh, sure, spent all my days palling around with the future Prince of Asgard. No, I don't know Thor. I was a mason."

- Phil Coulson and Elliot Randolph

Episode 1.09: Repairs
"To conduct an index asset evaluation and intake." "Does that mean we talk to her and see if she has powers?" "Basically." "Well that needs a better name. Less IRS, more... better. Something like "the welcome wagon"."

- Phil Coulson and Skye

"No! You do not touch that! Two semesters minimum of holographic engineering before you touch this!" "All right, All right. I get it. I didn't go to your stupid SHIELD Hogwarts or whatever."

- Leo Fitz and Skye

"You screamed like a girl." "I am a girl!"

- Leo Fitz and Jemma Simmons

Episode 1.10: The Bridge
"Edison Po, former Marine, expert in tactics and rapid response. Fell off the grid in '08, reappeared 18 months ago at a diner in Boston." "Where he stabbed a friend's eyes out." "With a steak knife and finished his meal." "That's funny. Po doesn't look crazy. I'm kidding. The guy's a walking mug shot."

- Phil Coulson, Grant Ward and Skye

"They tried to take it off of me at the sci-ops facility. Realized they couldn't do it without killing me." "I'm afraid we're terribly curious. How did they stabilize the Extremis in you?" "And keep you from exploding?" "Yeah." "Oh, that wasn't them. That was you two." "Come again?" "What's that?" "Your gun. It somehow froze me right at the moment I was about to explode., helped my body absorb the serum, stabilize. Your weapon saved my life." "Well..." "All that, and it didn't leave a scar, so..." "Well, I..." "Well, I should think not." "Yeah, we couldn't have that, could we? It would be a shame if, especially if you're so, well, formed and symmetrical. (to Leo) Wh-when did you stop talking?" "About three embarrassing sentences ago."

- Mike Peterson, Jemma Simmons and Leo Fitz

"Not sure why you wanted to go with the lottery story, sir. It's a tough sell." "Exactly. Nothing makes people more suspicious than a handsome man offering them free money."

- Grant Ward and Phil Coulson

Episode 1.11: The Magical Place
"I know you don't want to believe it, but you can't tell me nothing makes you doubt, makes you wonder what happened in Tahiti." "It's a magical place. I keep saying that." " Don't you want to know why?"

- Raina and Phil Coulson

"You're in a lot of trouble, Mr. Rathman." "Who the hell are you?" (Menacing) Agent Melinda May. With SHIELD."

- Skye and Lloyd Rathman

"Evening, Doctor." "Agent Coulson." "You weren't operating on my heart. I know about Tahiti." "I was afraid this day would come." "Because of what I'd do?" "Because of what I've done. After New York, you weren't dead for 8 seconds or 40 seconds or whatever they put in your file. You were dead for... days." "That's impossible." "It should be."

- Phil Coulson and Streiten

"I heard what you did for me. I think it's time that we remove this. (Talks to her wrist binder) Disengage bracelet." (Bracket comes off) "Are you kidding me?" "I thought you'd like that."

- Phil Coulson and Skye

Episode 1.12: Seeds
"Is Science & Technology what you imagined, Agent Ward?" "Yep - no uniforms, no rope course, no defined muscularity on anyone." "No marching in place, no IQs in double digits."

- Leo Fitz and Grant Ward

"You and Skye get comfortable with the students see if you can get them gossiping. Skye looks young enough to blend in." (Slightly offended) "You're not exactly 'Old Man River' and Fitz looks younger than us." "Time will come when you won't make fun of me for that. You'll be jealous. You'll be jealous, wrinkly, old hags."

- Grant Ward, Skye and Leo Fitz

"We were headed into the Hunan province of China.A senior agent had called in an 0-8-4. An object of unknown origin." "We've dealt with those before." "He said the entire village had died trying to protect this one. Avery and I were just fresh out of the Academy. And there was five of us just running the back end, until we lost communication with the first team. We went searching. We found the senior agent under a bridge. He he managed to escape with a gunshot wound to the neck, but he bled out. He was still holding on to the 0-8-4. (Breathes) Poor thing was covered in blood. We thought she was dead, too, but sh-she was just asleep in the dead agent's arms." (Stunned) The baby? The girl was the 0-8-4?"

- Richard Lumley and Phil Coulson

"Agent Phil Coulson with SHIELD. We've never actually met, but I'm familiar with your work - all of it." "So, this is a "getting to know you" call?" "No, just a message that the first time your aircraft drifts over any country allied with SHIELD, we will shoot you out of the sky." "So this is a courtesy call. Well, thank you, Agent Coulson. And I have a message for you. The Clairvoyant told me to say hello."

- Phil Coulson and Ian Quinn

Episode 1.13: T.R.A.C.K.S.
"So are we British or American? When we're traveling together we should at least be from the same country. How's your Scottish accent?" (In a very bad Scottish accent) I don't know. You tell me how great it is, laddie." (in a flawless American accent) American then. That's a better idea." "Oh. That was really good." "I used to watch a lot of American TV growing up. Some of it's quite good. Lots of nice teeth."

- Leo Fitz and Skye

"I'm getting into character. My undercover persona harbors some residual resentment to her absent American father. Blames him for not being there when her mom died. So I apologize in advance if I come off a little cold." "You think all that back story's necessary?" "Past events, like that unfortunate incident at the Hub, have shown me that I'm *not* good at improvisation."

- Jemma Simmons and Phil Coulson

"All mom ever wanted was your love. To be with you! In our two-story Victorian home in the Cotswolds! But could you even give her a moment, what with your banking job requiring you to travel to the States from Tuesday to Saturday every other week? No! You may not have had any time for her, but you had time for your work... and your prostitutes!" "Prostitutes, plural?"

- Jemma Simmons and Phil Coulson

"Uh, sir? This probably isn't the best time, but what May told you I would have preferred it to stay between me and her." "Well, "it" is happening on my bus, amongst members of my team." "No, we've never... done - It's never happened on the bus, sir." "You want to do this now? Okay. What you're doing is against protocol, so if you endanger an operation or if anyone gets hurt, I'll reassign you to Barrow, Alaska, and you'll spend the rest of your years pulling the night shift guarding Blonsky's cryo-cell. Am I clear? (Looks at Ward's face) I'll take that as a yes. And if it's really just sex, Ward you should get more comfortable using the word."

- Grant Ward and Phil Coulson

Episode 1.14: T.A.H.I.T.I.
"The shots perforated her stomach and penetrated the large and small intestines. We resected what we could, but - there's been too much damage." "So what's next?" "We can keep her comfortable, but you'll need to make a decision on whether or not you want to keep her on life support." "You're saying there's nothing to be done?" "I'm saying you need to call her family. Get them here as soon as possible." "*We're* her family." "In that case, I'm very sorry."

- Jazuat and Phil Coulson

"Garrett? What the hell are you doing here?" "Well, as opposed to the Leven 8 jackass I'm staring at, I still follow orders." "You're the worst at following orders."

- Phil Coulson and John Garrett

"Tell us about Cybertek and the Deathlok program?" "Deathlok?" "Catchy right? Sounds like some wrestler from the 80's. What is it really?" "Those are dangerous waters, and the last agent that waded into them wound up with two in the stomach. "(Garrett smacks him) "So... She's still alive?" "Yeah. And you better hope she stays that way." "Is that why you shot Skye? Because she saw what Cybertek delivered?" "No. I shot Skye because that's what the Clairvoyant told me to do."

- John Garrett, Phil Coulson and Ian Quinn

Episode 1.15: Yes Men
"I don't know where director Fury is. Don't be so shocked. For a quiet guy you make a lot of noise. How many favors have you called in?" "Clearly not enough." "Something I can help you with? (Coulson stays quiet) Fine, but Fury is a high level agent who is off grid. You don't find him unless he wants to find you. You did something like that once too. Remember? I never asked you. How was Tahiti?" "It sucked."

- Jasper Sitwell and Phil Coulson

"You've visited other realms, seen different species, aliens. Have you ever encountered any that were blue?" "Yes, of course." "Which ones?" "Uh, Interdites, Levians, Pheragots, Kree, Sarks, Centaurians. The Frost giants tried to conquer your Earth a millennia ago, but Asgard drove them away." "Oh. Well, thanks for that."

- Phil Coulson and Sif

"She bends and shapes the will of men for her own purposes." "Only men. Her powers don't work on women?" "No. Men have an inherent weakness we do not share." "I can't imagine what she's talking about."

- Sif. Melinda May and Leo Fitz

"Ward won't kill me." "Do not let your feelings cloud your judgement." "I'm not. He might *try* to kill me. But he won't."

- Melinda May and Sif

===Episode 1.16: End of the Beginning

"You really think the Clairvoyant was on the index?" "Rejected off the index. Possibly. Just hope it's not the amazing Kreskin. (Chuckles) I used to love that guy."

- Antoine Triplett and John Garrett

"You a Scorpio? (May looks at him) I was just wondering why our newest agent paired the two of us together. Must have thought we were compatible in some way." "It was random, Blake." "You seem like a Scorpio." "You don't believe in the Clairvoyant, but you believe in astrology?"

- Felix Blake and Melinda May

"Ward said that the Clairvoyant knew how to push all the right buttons." "Raina did that to me, too." "Did she mention your father's death? (Gesturing to a file on a tablet) Your psych evaluation called it "a defining moment". These aren't just personality tests. They're surveillance on every agent pictures, stats, where you've been stationed, who you'd visit, where you'd like to eat." "Dinners at the Richmond. He's been monitoring us. Think about it. The Clairvoyant only knew you'd be at Quinn's villa..." "After I dropped a tracker. And the only thing he's had trouble seeing is what happened to you after you died." "Because Director Fury wouldn't release that file to anyone." "No..." "The Clairvoyant doesn't have abilities. He has security clearance. He's an agent of SHIELD."

- Skye and Phil Coulson

Episode 1.17: Turn, Turn, Turn
"Jemma. Thank God you're still alive." "What? What's wrong?" "The Hub still secure? Are you with your team? Get somewhere safe and lock the door." "What's happening?" "Have your commander report that the academy is under siege. We don't know how long HYDRA's been inside S.H.I.E.L.D. But they are taking control!" "HYDRA? What? Where?" "Everywhere? Among us! If you survive, you know where to find me. Jemma, don't trust anyone!"

- Anne Weaver and Jemma Simmons

"Cut off a head, two more will take its place." "Is it a head? I thought it was a limb." " No, no, no, it's a head." "It's a head"

- Phil Coulson, John Garrett and Leo Fitz

"Are you mad? How can you be saying this?" "Hydra won't show mercy. Neither can we." "There is no way Coulson is Hydra! He is a good man, a friend!" "He's a liar! Agent Blake came to me with his suspicions - that Coulson and the other level eights were involved in some sort of conspiracy. Then Coulson sent him on an op that put him in the I.C.U." "Coulson is not capable of what you're insinuating."

- Jemma Simmons and Victoria Hand

"Captain America has defeated the Helicarriers at the Triskelion. But his status his unknown." "And S.H.I.E.L.D. has fallen." "Hydra factions have taken control of our east African headquarters and the treehouse. And those are just the ones we know of." "It's gonna be a scramble, a power grab." "I'll head to the fridge. At least that facility is secure."

- Victoria Hand and Phil Coulson

Episode 1.18: Providence
"Find everything you can on our team - all personal records, photos, anything that proves we exist - then erase it." "Uh, that's kind of the nuclear option." "It's *our* only option. Every government agency in the world will be on our ass. We need to vanish." "Okay. But... once that's done, it can't be undone. We'll be ghosts. Not agents of S.H.I.E.l.D., just agents of... nothing."

- Phil Coulson and Skye

"Agent: Hail Hydra!" "All right, all right, put your arms down, Kaminsky. You look like a West Texas cheerleader at a pep rally."

- Kaminsky and John Garrett.

"There's got to be something here! This means something! This has to mean something. The world needs us! HYDRA is out there. We cannot let them win! We cannot let them define us! Do you understand that? We are not agents of nothing, we are agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. and that still carries weight! It has to carry weight. After everything we've been through, that carries weight!"

- Phil Coulson

"What's with the windows?" "Supposed to make the isolation more bearable. Every day of the week, different view. Wednesday's pretty terrific if you like topless beaches."

- Phil Coulson and Eric Koenig

Episode 1.19: The Only Light in the Darkness
"As soon as I had the upper hand, I put two in the back of his head." "Good." "One for me, one from you." "I would have emptied the mag."

- Grant Ward, Leo Fitz and Antoine Triplett

"Just gonna need you guys to answer a few questions, a few psychoanalytic, non sequitur questions." "A lie detector." "*The* lie detector, Agent Coulson. This baby measures galvanic skin response, oxygen consumption, micro-expressions, biofeedback brain waves, pupil dilation, voice biometrics - 96 variables in all. Fury designed this himself. He wanted a lie detector Romanoff couldn't beat." "Did she?" "Like Fury would tell!"

- Eric Koenig and Grant Ward

"Mr. Daniels, we don't want to hurt you. We need to take you in, for your safety and the safety of others." "It was you! You took me there! They did things to me there!" "They were trying to contain you." "No! They were trying to make me stronger. And they did."

- Phil Coulson and Marcus Daniels

"May's mother: You're not gonna take her out, are you?" "No, mom, I just wanna talk." "Good. I've always liked Maria."

- Melinda May's Mother and Melinda May